The World According to Gogglebox Page 2

  STEPH: Basil Brush made me laugh. And Frank Spencer.

  DOM: The Goodies. The Banana Splits. ‘One banana, two banana, three banana, four …’

  STEPH: ‘La la la …’ I’m there now.

  DOM: And On the Buses.

  STEPH: On the Buses? Are you mad?

  DOM: No. Not On the Buses. The kids’ programme, The Double Deckers.

  STEPH: I liked The Herbs.

  DOM: The Magic Roundabout. Dylan was always …

  STEPH: Off his tits. But Sooty and all that lot? No. Oh, and Rainbow? Forget it. Zippy. Christ. Zip it up and throw it away.

  DOM: Batman. Pow and kazam! And Hartley Hare from Pipkins was OK when I was ill.

  STEPH: When you put your thermometer on the radiator. Do you remember that? ‘A temperature of 120?’ ‘I’m really ill! I really am!’ ‘Yep, you’re dead.’

  STEPHEN & CHRIS, BRIGHTON

  CHRIS: Blind Date. Surprise Surprise.

  STEPHEN: We were allowed to stay up late to watch Dallas. But back then, we didn’t have a pot to piss in and we had a TV that had a pay box on it. And you used to put 50p in it and wind it on, and that would give you four hours’ worth of viewing. And you’d get a collection of 50ps in the box. The man would come and empty it once a month, take out the rental (because we rented the TV), take a bit out for the licence fee, and what was left you got back.

  Dallas went out on a Wednesday night at eight. So, we were allowed to stay up for that. But sometimes we didn’t have another 50p, so we’d miss the end of Dallas. And if Mum had no more money, to entertain us she used to take her teeth out and gurn. And we would all roll about laughing and then go to bed.

  When I was very young, I watched Magic Roundabout, Rainbow, the man that used to go in the cupboard in the fancy dress shop … Mr Benn. Loved that.

  CHRIS: Because I’m five years younger than you it was all Phillip Schofield, you know, in the broom cupboard.

  STEPHEN: See, I was out joyriding by then.

  THE MICHAELS, BRIGHTON

  ANDREW: Watch with Mother – that I did actually used to watch with my mother.

  CAROLYNE: So did I.

  ANDREW: My favourite one was The Flowerpot Men. And my second favourite was Andy Pandy. And as a five-year-old, I actually used to look forward to the bit where he gets in the basket at the end with Looby Loo, because I knew there was something going on.

  CAROLYNE: In the basket.

  ANDREW: I didn’t know what it was at five, but I was bloody sure there was something going on.

  CAROLYNE: When we first met, that was our frame of reference, wasn’t it? You were Andy Pandy and I was Looby Loo.

  ANDREW: Do you remember the Jaguar XJS? I used to get the Looby Loo that was you and hang it up in the XJS. But in addition to the two that I’ve just mentioned, Stingray, Joe 90, Captain Scarlet, Thunderbirds, Lost in Space and Star Trek.

  CAROLYNE: I used to look forward to watching Top of the Pops, because that was the only time we’d ever get to see any groups, wasn’t it?

  ANDREW: Don’t think I ever watched one episode of Top of the Pops.

  CAROLYNE: Oh! Blue Peter! I got a Blue Peter badge. For complaining.

  ANDREW: Did you?

  CAROLYNE: They gave it to me as a consolation prize because I came down to Brighton to see Valerie Singleton, Peter Purves and John Noakes. I was a massive fan of Blue Peter. Every week, when they used to get the Fairy Liquid bottles out, I used to make everything. I was there with all my cereal boxes and polystyrene and that sticky back plastic.

  Well, I came down to see them on the London to Brighton – I must have been about nine or ten – and I was so excited to meet them, to go and say hello and get their autographs. And I went up to the car where they were and I think they had minders or something. And they just pushed me away and said, ‘Oh no, no, go away, you can’t meet the presenters,’ and I was so, so upset. I wrote a letter to the BBC and so, as a consolation prize, I got a letter signed by all the Blue Peter cast, and a Blue Peter badge. I really liked Peter Purves, I have to say. John Noakes I wasn’t so keen on, perhaps because he wasn’t so good-looking.

  LOUIS: I remember a time when we were watching a film and there was a sex scene or something like that. And I was nine or ten, quite young, and Mum was trying to put her hands over my eyes. And I was thinking, get back, woman. I have to grow up some time.

  ANDREW: When’s that time going to come?

  CAROLYNE: Yeah. We’re still waiting.

  LOUIS: I sometimes put my hands over my own eyes. Still can’t deal with it.

  SANDY & SANDRA, BRIXTON

  SANDY: Joe 90. Magic Roundabout. Button Moon.

  SANDRA: The Osmonds. Hawaii Five-0. Kojak.

  SANDY: CHiPs. Stingray!

  SANDRA: ‘Mariiiii-naaaa … Aquamariiiii-naaaaa …’

  SANDY: Bionic Woman.

  SANDRA: All them hardcore things made us as we are today. We didn’t do Bill and Ben and Humpty Dumpty.

  THE MOFFATTS, COUNTY DURHAM

  MARK: My favourite cartoon when I was a kid was Marine Boy.

  BETTY: I used to like things like The Famous Five, and Worzel Gummidge and Doctor Who, even though I was scared of it then.

  SCARLETT: Noddy. Johnny Bravo. CatDog. Goosebumps. Robot Wars.

  MARK: We used to love Robot Wars.

  SCARLETT: Oh, me and my dad were seriously going to do it, weren’t we? We were going to get stuff from work so that we could make one. But we ended up just buying the crappy ones that you made.

  BETTY: They used to love Robot Wars.

  MARK: With Craig Charles off Red Dwarf. Used to love Red Dwarf.

  SCARLETT: Ah, Red Dwarf. Well, actually, as a kid, I am a bit weird, like, I really liked The Young Ones, Red Dwarf, Bottom, The Thin Blue Line, stuff like that. Stuff that my friends didn’t really get, and were, like, ‘What is this?’ Because, when I was little, I used to go to my nan’s and I used to watch things like Norman Wisdom and stuff. So I’m a bit weird like that.

  THE TAPPERS, NORTH LONDON

  JONATHAN: I used to like Tiswas. With Spit the Dog. And Digby, the Biggest Dog in the World. And The Littlest Hobo. I loved dogs.

  NIKKI: ‘Down the road, that’s where I want to beeee …’ And I loved Jim’ll Fix It. Shhh. And Jonathan loved Star Wars when he was a kid. I just do not get Star Wars. It’s the most boring thing.

  JONATHAN: No. Star Wars is brilliant.

  NIKKI: When the kids saw it, Josh just wanted to know where it was set.

  JOSH: I didn’t know it was meant to be set on another planet like Avatar is or … I don’t know, like a fantasy planet. Or two separate planets and they fought in space.

  JONATHAN: Star Wars. It’s set in the stars.

  REV. KATE & GRAHAM, NOTTINGHAMSHIRE

  GRAHAM: Well, obviously, my parents were so middle-class we didn’t even have a telly.

  KATE: Grew up without a telly.

  GRAHAM: No cultural references.

  KATE: So, a lot of the time I’ll say things like, oh, Chorlton and the Wheelies – and Graham will go, ‘What?’ So, when I’m introducing my kids to stuff, I sometimes have to introduce Graham too. I’ll go, ‘Do you not remember this?’ And he’ll go, ‘I didn’t watch telly in the 70s.’ But what about the TV that you sneaked into the vicarage?

  GRAHAM: Oh yeah. I mended a telly and just put it in my room.

  KATE: And your mum used to come in and watch tennis on it when your dad wasn’t looking.

  GRAHAM: One day, Dad said, ‘You shouldn’t have that – you haven’t got a licence.’ I went, ‘I’ve just bought one.’

  KATE: He bought his own TV licence.

  GRAHAM: Mum said, ‘I think you should get rid of it.’ I said, but you’ve just been watching tennis for the past two hours, so are you sure about that? The next week they went out and bought a colour telly.

  LINDA, PETE & GEORGE, CLACTON-ON-SEA

  LINDA: Lassie. I used to just cry my eyes out at Lassie.

&
nbsp; PETE: Grandstand.

  LINDA: See, we’re so different.

  THE X FACTOR

  THE MICHAELS, BRIGHTON

  ANDREW: It’s like a Victorian freak show.

  THE SIDDIQUIS, DERBY

  BAASIT: Jesus Christ, man. One million people haven’t got anything better to do on a Sunday night.

  THE TAPPERS, NORTH LONDON

  AMY: What does the ‘X’ stand for? Xylophone?

  THE SIDDIQUIS, DERBY

  BAASIT: You know it’s a shit performance when the first thing Dermot pays compliment to is the stage.

  STEPHEN & CHRIS, BRIGHTON

  STEPHEN: Nicole’s put too much bloody baby oil on, hasn’t she? She looks like someone’s just come over her. Look, she’s all jizzy.

  THE VOICE

  THE MOFFATTS, COUNTY DURHAM

  SCARLETT: I bet George Michael’s turning in his bloody grave.

  STEPHEN & CHRIS, BRIGHTON

  STEPHEN: It’s enough to give your arsehole a headache.

  THE WOERDENWEBERS, THE WIRRAL

  RALF: It’s like karaoke after twenty pints.

  BRITAIN’S GOT TALENT

  THE MOFFATTS, COUNTY DURHAM

  SCARLETT: The first thing that I do whenever they come on Britain’s Got Talent is Google the name. And 90 per cent of the time they’ve worked on cruise ships, they’ve done big gigs, they’ve won talent contests before. And I’m just like, this is not fair. And you should never know the sob stories.

  MARK: Everybody’s got a sob story.

  SCARLETT: I feel like TV lies to us. I do. That’s why I like doing Gogglebox – because people have an opinion of everybody. And then, when they get to watch you a little bit more, they get to see the real you.

  STEPH & DOM, SANDWICH

  STEPH: Can you imagine the interviews? ‘Have you had any shit in your life? Have you lost any parents? Give us your worst shit and then you might be worth putting out.’

  COUNTDOWN

  THE SIDDIQUIS, DERBY

  BAASIT: I hate Dictionary Corner. They’re a right bunch of know-it-alls. They’ve got a flipping dictionary in front of them; of course they’re going to get it.

  LEON & JUNE, LIVERPOOL

  JUNE: Passion: P-A-S-S-I-O-N.

  LEON: Piss is on as well: P-I-S-S.

  DEAL OR NO DEAL

  THE SIDDIQUIS, DERBY

  UMAR: Noel Edmonds is a game show host of things that aren’t game shows. They all say they’ve got a strategy. What’s the strategy? Just pick a box. It’s ridiculous. And there’s no banker there on the other line.

  THE WOERDENWEBERS, THE WIRRAL

  VIV: I’d go on Deal or No Deal. Yeah, I have a strategy actually. I know what boxes I’d pick. ’Cause I play it on the phone.

  SANDY & SANDRA, BRIXTON

  SANDY: I can’t do it. I only learnt it the other day. I think it’s boring. I can’t be arsed waiting for the banker to tell me this and tell me that. And don’t get it twisted. The banker’s always going to be right. They always say it’s like gambling, isn’t it? Casinos always end up winning in the end.

  Stephen & Chris

  BRIGHTON

  Stephen, 43, and Chris, 38, are hairdressers

  and first met eleven years ago. Stephen spends

  a lot of time at Chris’s bungalow near Brighton,

  where they love a takeaway in front of the telly.

  Chris shares his home (and often his sofa)

  with his enormous cat, Ginge.

  HOW DID YOU MEET?

  STEPHEN: We were working in the same salon as each other about eleven or twelve years ago. Then he left and went somewhere else, and I left, and when I came back to Brighton about three years ago, we met up with each other again.

  CHRIS: You started chatting to me on Grindr, didn’t you?

  STEPHEN: Yeah. And we started seeing each other. But it didn’t really work out. It finished just after the first series. It was only four episodes, but it fucking ruined it.

  I do take the piss out of him a lot and I think, when we were together, you took it to heart a bit, didn’t you?

  CHRIS: Yeah. Because the thing is, if you’re supposed to love someone, why would you rip the piss out of them the whole time?

  STEPHEN: Entertainment, dear.

  CHRIS: For you. Not for me.

  STEPHEN: There’s twenty-four hours in a day: I get bored. But it did make me feel bad because I felt like a bully.

  CHRIS: We’re much better as friends, anyway.

  STEPHEN: I still take the piss as much, but you just say, ‘Shut up.’

  HOW DID YOU GET ON GOGGLEBOX?

  CHRIS: This woman walked into the salon and said she was looking for someone to take part in a TV programme, so I went running over and went, ‘Oh my God! Tell me about it! Tell me about it!’

  STEPHEN: Fame-hungry bitch. I wasn’t interested at first. I just thought, it will sink without trace. And then he said, ‘They’re paying us,’ and I went, ‘All right, I’ll do it.’

  Chris and Ginge, the big pussy

  WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOURSELVES ON SCREEN?

  CHRIS: It was a bit strange at first, because I think people had said, ‘You’ve got to be careful what you say, because you’re going to be on TV, it’s going to be out there,’ so in the first one I was really quiet. And people were, like, ‘That’s not you.’ But you overanalyse things in your head and you think, I can’t say that because you know, it might go on TV and I don’t want people to think that I’m nasty or I’m rude or …

  STEPHEN: I didn’t give a fuck.

  CHRIS: Yeah, but you don’t give a fuck anyway.

  WHAT WAS YOUR

  FAMILY’S REACTION?

  CHRIS: My sisters absolutely love it. Tune in every single week.

  STEPHEN: All my family watch it, and I’ll say something and they’ll go, ‘Oh, that’s something your nan used to say,’ or, ‘Oh my God, you looked like your brother when you said that.’ So they’ve said it’s like watching them, because we’re all pretty much the same character, our family.

  CHRIS: Oh God, yeah. A bit inbred. You all look the same.

  BEING RECOGNISED

  STEPHEN: When we did the first series, I didn’t have a Twitter account, nor did Chris. And someone said to us, ‘Why don’t you get a Twitter account?’ So we opened it up, and I think within two days it was, like, 7,000 followers – and it’s just gone up and up and up. I think we’re up to about 60,000 now.

  CHRIS: Well, you are. I’m up to about 47,000.

  STEPHEN: And out of all the Tweets I’ve had, I’ve only ever got two crap ones. One was a bit weird and said she wanted to fuck me mum. My mum was, like, ‘Does she? Get her round here. I’ll fuck her up.’ That one, she got chucked out of Iceland’s. There’s a picture of her, on her Twitter page, being carried out of Iceland’s.

  In real life, people are brilliant. I don’t suppose I’ve ever been so popular. You know, you walk into a bar and everyone’s really nice. Everyone. Not one person has said … Oh, actually, the other day I was in Hurstpierpoint and this car went past, it slowed down and the window went down. And the bloke went, ‘Oi, mate! Are you the geezer off the telly?’ And I went, ‘Yeah.’ And he went, ‘You’re a wanker!’ I really started laughing, and I went, ‘I know!’ And he laughed and drove off.

  CHRIS: I’ve had all really good responses as well. But I was out a couple of weeks ago, and this woman came running over to me, waving at me, and she was, like, ‘Oh my God! I love you on the TV. Can I have my picture taken with you?’ And I was, like, ‘Yeah, course.’ I sat down with her and one of her friends was trying to take the picture. Then, all of a sudden, this guy came over and tapped me on the shoulder and went, ‘Someone’s sitting there.’ And I said, ‘I’m just having a picture done with her.’ And he was, like, ‘Yeah, but you don’t get what I’m saying: someone’s sitting there.’ And I went ‘Yeah, I know. I’m going to be moving in a minute. She wanted to talk to me.’

  And then I got another
tap on my other shoulder – and it was her husband. And he went, ‘That’s my fucking missus.’ And I went, ‘She’s called me over here because she likes me on Gogglebox. I’m only having a picture taken with her, then I’m going …’

  STEPHEN: ‘And I’m as bent as a nine-bob note …’

  CHRIS: Why would I be interested in her? We were in a gay bar. But the thing was, the rest of the night all they did was just throw me the evils.

  STEPHEN: But I love it. On a Saturday night, when you’re out and you’ve had a load of drink, it’s brilliant. Sunday morning, when you’ve got a hangover – stranger danger and beer fear – that’s when I start getting paranoid, thinking that someone’s going to be horrible or something.

  There’s a woman who works on the road I work on, and she said to me, ‘You really do look better in the flesh.’ I thought, you cheeky cow.

  CHRIS: You see, I get the opposite. Some of my really close friends are, like, ‘Oh my God, Chris, you look so good on TV.’ And I’m, like – I don’t in real life? ‘Well, yeah, you look nice in real life, but on TV you look really hot.’