The World According to Gogglebox Read online

  Jason Hazeley and Joel Morris

  Foreword by

  Craig Cash and Caroline Aherne

  Illustrations by

  Quinton Winter

  Published in Great Britain in 2014 by Canongate Books Ltd, 14 High Street,

  Edinburgh EH1 1TE

  www.canongate.tv

  This digital edition first published in 2014 by Canongate Books

  Text and photography © Studio Lambert

  Programme and format © Studio Lambert

  Foreword © Craig Cash and Caroline Aherne, 2014

  The moral right of the author has been asserted

  Design © Unreal Ltd, 2014

  Illustrations © Quinton Winter

  Additional photography

  Page 208 © Shutterstock

  Page 231 © Jason Hazeley

  Page 232 © BBC Photo Library

  Page 234 © Tony Larkin/Rex

  Endpaper artwork © @goggleblox (Fiona Evans)

  British Library Cataloguing-in-Publication Data

  A catalogue record for this book is available on

  request from the British Library.

  ISBN 978 1 78211 489 5

  Export ISBN 978 1 78211 598 4

  eISBN 978 1 78211 491 8

  Contents

  Foreword

  Preface

  Leon & June

  Stephen & Chris

  Steph & Dom

  The Moffatts

  The Michaels

  The Siddiquis

  Rev. Kate & Graham

  The Woerdenwebers

  Sandy & Sandra

  Bill & Josef

  The Tappers

  Linda, Pete & George

  Acknowledgements

  FOREWORD

  Caroline Aherne and Craig Cash

  Imagine watching Jim Royle watching Gogglebox.

  ‘Barbara, have you seen this shite? They’re expecting us to watch people we’ve never even heard of, sat around watching TV and carping on about it. Who in their right mind would do that, Barb? Gogglebox, my arse!’

  The following Friday at 9 p.m. you’re watching Gogglebox, where the wonderful regulars are watching The Royle Family watching them and saying something much funnier than we could ever write. It could happen. It probably will one day, once we get over the fact that the child we have spawned is much funnier than we are. We could never have written Leon and June sat watching as the titles to When Corden Met Barlow rolled.

  LEON: Who’s Barlow?

  JUNE: Gary Barlow!

  LEON: Oh no. TWO dickheads!

  Gogglebox is not only properly funny, it’s also brave, true, heartwarming and heartbreaking. Each episode is assembled with a remarkable deftness of touch and a clear fondness for each of the participants.

  When so much TV would have us believe that Britain is broken, you only have to watch Gogglebox to realise that it isn’t broken at all. It’s alive and well, with the biggest and warmest of hearts.

  A work of sheer genius.

  Caroline Aherne and Craig Cash

  (Sat on a sofa, pissed up with Steph and Dom)

  PREFACE

  Tania Alexander

  Jim Royle’s likely dismissive scoffing at an episode of Gogglebox is pretty much the reaction a lot of people had when we presented them with the idea of a TV show where we watch people watching television. To them, it seemed like the moment when TV was about to eat itself whole and regurgitate the contents of its own stomach across the screen.

  But that was, of course, before they’d seen a single frame of it.

  Gogglebox required us to believe in one simple notion: that the great British public knows best when it comes to what the television makers serve up. The moment when it became clear that this very simple idea would work was when we filmed our very first audition with one particular Liverpudlian family. The family consisted of Mum, Dad and two grown-up twentysomething children still living at home. Talking to them in their living room, while they watched telly, a producer asked them what they thought the BBC stood for – as in its values. The following conversation unfolded, unprompted …

  DAUGHTER (25): Er, B … B … C … Well, it stands for British Broadcasting … er … Company. Doesn’t it?

  SON (29): No … British … Broad … casting … Corporation.

  DAUGHTER: NO! That’s not right, ’cause then it would be BBCC!

  The son rolled his eyes.

  DAUGHTER: So what does ITV stand for then? Inter … national Television?

  DAD (employing a slightly weary tone): No, you div, Independent Television.

  The daughter looked down, and paused momentarily. Then, as if a light bulb had just been switched on in her head, she looked up and with a huge smile gleefully announced …

  ‘Oh, that’s brilliant, that is … so those mings at Channel 4 … they couldn’t even be arsed coming up with a mammogram!’

  Cue further rolling of eyes and groaning from parents and brother alike.

  It was this moment when we knew that Gogglebox would work. Not just because of the unintentional humour involved, but because of the remarkable interaction that occurs when we sit down with the people we love to watch television.

  Sadly, the family mentioned elected not to take part in the series, and I often wonder what they make of it. Then again, the current cast of Gogglebox have delighted us week in, week out with far more priceless gems of genuine wit, wisdom and heartfelt humanity, so much more than I could ever have imagined.

  For me, Gogglebox belongs to each and every one of them, and so does this book.

  Tania Alexander

  Executive Producer of Channel 4’s Gogglebox

  JOSH: Do you think Japanese people will become extinct?

  BILL: Snakes have two penises, don’t they?

  LEON: They’re all strange, people who do allotments.

  STEPHEN: If they’re going to make mannequins more realistic, give them bingo wings.

  SANDRA: What’s inside a penis? Meat?

  JUNE: You shouldn’t split things with a swear word, Leon.

  DOM: I very nearly got my nipple pierced in Ireland on my stag weekend. Thank God it was shut.

  STEPHEN: Well, that’s bored the shit out of me arse.

  SCARLETT: He is beautiful, isn’t he? His face looks like it’s been carved by angels.

  BAASIT: Do you know that a beaver can kill a man? It chomps down on you and can cut the femoral artery.

  JUNE: Do you remember the time when we were invited out and you threw up on somebody’s carpet?

  LEON: Yes. He’s dead now, isn’t he?

  LINDA: How do they know what’s going to be the weather? Do they measure something?

  DOM: ‘What did you do in the office today, darling?’ ‘I wanked a walrus.’

  UMAR: What’s a micropenis?

  STEPHEN: Where do they find these people from? She looks like fucking Ken Dodd.

  LINDA: I know a man named Hitler. You’d think he’d change his name, wouldn’t you?

  BAASIT: I’ve like rushed home to go to the toilet, but never to watch a programme about toilets.

  STEPH: I thought the world was going to explode when we ran out of gin.

  BILL: You know Alfred Hitchcock didn’t have a belly button, don’t you?

  LEON: I want a Smartphone.

  JUNE: Leon, you’re not smart enough to have a Smartphone.

  SANDRA: The last time I saw a tub of Vaseline I wasn’t very happy when I saw it.

  STEPHEN: I love Dave. We named our dildo after him.

  BAASIT: The further north you go, the more bear-like women look. I’m sure there’s been studies done in that.

  LEON: Didn’t I go out with a girl who was
in for Miss Shell Oil Refinery?

  UMAR: One of Hull’s problems is that it’s called Hull.

  VIV: I wanted to be on Jim’ll Fix It. I’m very glad Jim didn’t fix it for me, I’m telling you. Ugh.

  STEPHEN: She’s gone out looking for a meteorite, but she’s fucking minge-deep in snow.

  LINDA: What’s the best birthday you’ve ever had?

  PETE: You had laryngitis once.

  SANDRA: I love Antique Roadshow. Posh car boot sale.

  LOUIS: Baldrick, time has not been good to you, my friend.

  UMAR: What do you call a Pakistani guy standing in between two houses?

  SID: I don’t know.

  UMAR: Ali.

  DOM: I’ll end up negative equity, you’ll take the house back, I’ll probably end up in prison playing hide the sausage with Mad Axeman Mallard.

  STEPHEN: I ain’t going to fucking Harvester for Christmas dinner.

  LOUIS: The bigger the mug, the more important the family member.

  STEPH: Thank God that’s over. Phew. Can we watch some porn now?

  LEON: Well, if we had to evacuate the house, there’s not really much I’d take, I couldn’t get my television out. So the only thing I’d save would be you, darling. I’d put you on my back and carry you out.

  Leon & June

  LIVERPOOL

  Leon, 79, and June, 77, have been married for

  54 years. They are both retired teachers.

  Leon taught History (to Wayne Rooney’s

  aunts and uncles, among others) and June

  taught English (to Willy Russell’s children,

  among others). Leon is a keen bridge player,

  and June enjoys swimming. They have two

  daughters and three grandchildren.

  HOW DID YOU MEET?

  LEON: Teacher training college, 1955. I’d just done National Service in the army and you came from South Wales. And there was this beautiful girl… and that was it.

  JUNE: We had to be in at 10.30 at night. And nobody broke the rules, or you were sent down for three days. We liked the big bands in those days, and they used to come to the town halls, and we used to go. But you had to ask permission. You had to be on the last bus back: it dropped you in the village at quarter to twelve, and you were in before midnight. And you had to have a signed pass.

  LEON: It was very hard with my parents, though, because I’m Jewish and June isn’t. So we had murders before we could get married.

  JUNE: Leon’s an only child, so it was very difficult for his parents to come to terms with.

  LEON: But in the end we won through, didn’t we?

  JUNE: Once they realised that we were determined to get married with or without their blessing, they came to terms with it.

  LEON: We used to watch Coronation Street with my parents.

  JUNE: That’s right. Your mother started watching it and said, ‘Oh, you’ve got to come over and watch it.’ We’d been married about six months.

  LEON: And we finally got a television.

  JUNE: Rented, in those days. Leon did nights at play centres after school to pay the television rental. And then, when we had the children there were always good programmes on Sunday teatime – Anne of Green Gables, Little Women…

  LEON: Wind in the Willows.

  JUNE: And we’d sit with the children and have a picnic tea. We had a travel rug, and we used to pretend we were outside. They used to do their homework and we used to do our marking all at the same time in various parts of the house. And then it was, right, it’s tea, everybody’s finished, everything’s away, we’re all going to do this together. I’ve always made a point where we eat together and we watch some TV together.

  HOW DID YOU GET ON GOGGLEBOX?

  LEON: I’m a member of Liverpool Bridge Club and last year two girls came in looking for people. And I got talking to them, and they said, ‘This programme’s coming out – are you interested?’

  JUNE: He always comes home with a story. He said, ‘Guess what? Somebody from TV was there today.’ I said, right. (I thought he meant playing bridge.) He said, ‘We could be on TV.’ I said, don’t be ridiculous. And he goes on and on and on about it. I thought, it’s such a simple idea, it’s not going to catch on.

  BEING RECOGNISED

  LEON: We were getting hugged in John Lewis yesterday.

  JUNE: We went down to London to see the tennis last November. And this woman came up and said, ‘Hi, June. How are you?’ I said, ‘Hello.’ And she said, ‘Where’s Leon?’

  I just couldn’t believe it. After that, we were stopped probably a dozen times that day. I mean, I’m not surprised in Liverpool, because Liverpool love their own, but London? We were just staggered.

  LEON: We saw Anna Ivanovich play Venus Williams. Ivanovich was wearing red knickers.

  JANE: I love you Leon, but please keep your clothes on.

  @LeonAndJune #Gogglebox

  WHAT DO YOU THINK

  OF YOURSELVES ON SCREEN?

  LEON: I think, ‘My wife’s still beautiful.’ For your sixtieth I took you to Vienna and Salzburg. Wonderful, absolutely wonderful, Salzburg. We waltzed onto the balcony in Vienna, didn’t we?

  JUNE: Yes.

  LEON: To Strauss…

  JUNE: I wasn’t happy about the ‘Show Us Your Knicks’ thing.

  LEON: You’ve always looked gorgeous in your knicks. And your bottom’s nice as well. I mentioned that.

  JUNE: What you see on TV is what we really are.

  LEON: I say what I like.

  JUNE: And we’re used to performing, I suppose. And as a teacher, you perform in every lesson. You’ve got to sell your subject. If you don’t, those young people are going to have a bleak future.

  LEON: I always thought I was brilliant anyway.

  JUNE: If you tell Leon to say something, he’ll immediately say the opposite, just to be perverse. And Leon has the most grotesque clothes. You know, sometimes I stand in the hall and say, we’re not going out with you dressed like that. You can wear it to bridge. With all your lovely ladies.

  Leon and June with 'our Helen' (left) and 'our Julie' (right), taken on Julie’s first birthday, January 1966.

  WHAT DO YOU LIKE WATCHING?

  LEON: I like watching stuff that makes me laugh. I’ll go in the other room and watch Gold. Victor Meldrew (who I’m compared to), Hyacinth Bucket, The Likely Lads, Last of the Summer Wine… I love all those. Have I Got News For You. We love that.

  JUNE: And Would I Lie To You?

  LEON: Rob Brydon.

  JUNE: I like Rageh Omaar. I like Hazel Irvine, who does the snooker. And Julie Walters. She’s great at whatever she does.

  LEON: Brilliant. And Miranda Hart. Love her. I don’t fancy her, but she’s very funny. Her expressions. And the way she throws herself on the floor. And Jeeves and Wooster.

  JUNE: Hugh Laurie’s very talented, isn’t he?

  LEON: Frasier. I love him. I watch him every morning and I’ve seen them all.

  JUNE: He’s got the box set.

  LEON: Martin, the father, he’s got a chair like me.

  JUNE: I can’t decide who he is: Victor Meldrew or Martin.

  LEON: I used to like Bill Turnbull on Breakfast. Then I found out he was at public school. So he’s off the list.

  WHAT TV DO YOU DISAGREE ON?

  LEON: Sharpe is my favourite.

  JUNE: Now, I won’t watch that.

  LEON: Sean Bean is brilliant.

  JUNE: I don’t like anything with war. Particularly if it’s battle scenes and things – I don’t like anything like that. That’s why I never liked history at school: because we always did wars and it’s quite graphic on TV. I feel physically sick when I watch it.

  LEON: Diners, Drive-Ins And Dives.

  JUNE: That’s awful.

  LEON: Because I’m a big eater, and they’re throwing onions in, and steaks and chickens – incredible.

  JUNE: Heart attack on a plate.

  The sign that greets you in Leon and
June’s front porch.

  WOULD YOU NORMALLY

  WATCH TV TOGETHER?

  LEON: I’m in charge of the remote. She takes it off me occasionally.

  JUNE: As a fellow at work once said, ‘Leave us with the remote, it’s the only power we males have these days.’

  WHAT DOES TV MEAN TO YOU?

  LEON: Television can involve you. You become part of it. It’s entertainment. And it’s company for old people, who love a lot of the programmes. I hate people who say, ‘Oh, I never watch television.’ I mean, what’s wrong with you, pal? I hate people who say they don’t drink. That annoys me as well.

  JUNE: At our age we have a lot of friends who are on their own – they’ve lost their wives or husbands. And they say, particularly in the winter when it’s dark, they draw the curtains and the only person they have a relationship with is the television in the corner.

  STEPH & DOM, SANDWICH